Trails of Despair
by FerociousGrape
Summary: Kuanysh (Kunie) Dietrich is taken in by the Eastern Church where she begins her magical research to find a way back home, but finds her goal to be much harder realizing magic has limited usage. She wanders Fódlan in search for the information she seeks. Kunie's goals have to take a back seat as canon unfolds and war ensues. Unlike Byleth Kuanysh will have to survive the first time.
1. The Search of Faith and Reason

**Trails of Despair**

**Chapter One: The Search of Faith and Reason**

* * *

_**Imperial Year 1170**_

* * *

She awakes in a panic causing her to fall off the bed. Her arms reaching around searching for her bow or anything that would be of use while her eyes manically scan the room for the attacker—

White. Quiet. Calm. She holds her breath after inhaling before exhaling more slowly in poor attempt to regulate her breathing. She's safe. Somewhere unknown but safe. She brings her hand up to her chest in a grabbing motion when panic set back in. Her head whips in search of—she spots the long, rectangular pendant on the side table. She grasps it and brings it to her face closing her eyes in the process.

Being more relaxed she takes in her surroundings once more. Her bow, quiver, arrows, and her bag could be spotted in the left corner up against a series of cabinets willed with books, jars, and vials. Relief spreads through her once more at the knowledge that she hasn't been robbed.

She turns around at the sound of the creaking door. A youthful girl smiles widely as her cocoa brown eyes glitter alight altering her original demure impression. Her thin slightly wavy blond hair flowed to her waist and she wore all white. The girl approaches immediately speaking nonstop. The sound of her voice ends, and her expressions rotate through enthusiasm to confusion. The girl speaks once more before her expressive feature withdraw to her original closed-off demure appearance before mumbling something else.

She pointed to her chest before moving her finger upward to her head where she shakes it side to side before tossing her hands up shrugging her shoulders. She may have been safe, but her situation remains. It had been hard enough trying to sell the few possessions on her to purchase a few materials that would hopefully secure her life and feed her instead of dying on the street in this unknown medieval-like place. She could speak four-languages—one in which was the most spoken language in the world yet she had failed to find anyone who spoke any of the languages, and she failed to find similarities in their language with any of her own causing extra concern and confusion.

The girl's rapt attention returned. She points to herself and says, "Sophie." She blinked in return. Sophie? Was that her name? It was a familiar name through foreign commonality, yet the previously spoken words were neither English nor did it have the verbal inflections of Western European countries like Spain, France, or Italy.

She points at the girl. "Sophie?" Sophie claps, grins then nods. Sophie points back at her. She lifts a finger to herself. Presumably Sophie was asking for her name, right? "Kuanysh." Kuanysh Dietrich to be exact. Sophie blinked and struggled over repeating Kuanysh's name, so she repeated her name once more at a slower pace.

"Kunie." After several failed attempts Sophie settled on a nickname. Kuanysh gave in quickly as her classmates in school had the same difficulty, and it was easier to give in then correct every single person.

Sophie pointed to some objects before speaking. Kuanysh presumes Sophie was teaching her words. They were five words in when Sophie stands, urges her to stand too, then holds her hand and pulls her out the door.

* * *

_**Imperial Year 1172**_

* * *

It had taken months for Kuanysh to fully understand her predicament, but she had been offered a bed with three other roommates, meals, and language lessons. It was a strange change of events but a welcomed one as it allowed her to communicate while also offering shelter instead of sleeping in the streets or woods. Her language skills still were not perfect but practicing day-in and day-out gave her conversational proficiency.

She had been given white robes like the other people living there. She slowly came to realization that the uniform was white, not to save on costs, but because it simply was the uniform of the Church. She knew the people were religious through their praying but took slightly longer to piece together that the institution was a major branch of the Church of Seiros. The Eastern Church to be specific. It leaves a nagging feeling but never having been good at remembering names left her at a loss.

It had also taken months to realize that she was not in a different time period but another world. Magic was enough of an indicator. Not just the belief of magic but the manifestation of magic too. Kuanysh learnt the basics of one of the older church authorities after a disastrous attempt of trying to learn it on her own. Honestly, her right hand probably only functions because she was found and healed quickly. If magic was real…well, it was her best chance at returning home. After all, she didn't know how she got here but nothing short of a magical source could have sent her here. Magic reminds Kuanysh of a violin. Difficult to grasp and learn the basic blocks but increasingly easier once those basics were built—initially dangerous to learn on one's own though.

Kuanysh sighs before placing the book on top of four other book before grabbing another from the stack on her right. She skims over the content, slowing down on interesting material but otherwise putting little thought into the rest of the contents. All the magic was centered on healing and offensive attacks, with a few exceptions that have multiple uses like warp. There had to be magical theory or concepts or something! Anything that could give any kind of lead as to how to pursue home. She wants to hit herself for the thought. _Don't get your hopes up. Don't leave your expectations in the hands of others. You'll only ever be disappointed,_ she thought.

Perhaps the Leicester Alliance wasn't the best place to foster innovation as they were more often concerned with having better status than the other nobles, but anything throughout Fódlan should have at least made its way to their corner or the continent. The nagging feeling continued at the names.

The sound of the Church bell echoed through the building. Kuanysh sighs and closed the book. Rushing to return the books to their proper place before returning to the central building. She enters and stands in the back among some of the orphans shortly before the hymns began.

When the singing was done Kuanysh diverts from her roommates to head to the kitchens. She was on prep duty for dinner. Mumbles of sounds echoing the hallways from the hoard of people made her jump and look back before rationalizing the sound as laughter.

"Kunie!" Sophie brings a bag of vegetables and sets up next to Kuanysh. Sophie focuses on cutting the carrots before her refusing to look over. While usually on the quieter side, Sophie was cutting distractingly close to her fingers.

"Watch out!" Kuanysh reached across to hold Sophie's wrist to stop her from chopping further.

"Huh? Oh…Oh?!" Her eyes widen and she drops the knife on the counter physically startled. "Thank you."

"No harm came but…is something bothering you? If in my capabilities, I will what I can to aid you."

"That's…" Sophie closes her eyes and tilts her head downward. "You've been a scatterbrain too lately. How does an exchange sound? My woes for yours." Kuanysh nods. Sophie twirls her thumbs and Kuanysh waits patiently allowing Sophie to find the words she wishes to share. "I'll be leaving at the end of the month. I…I'm sure I've told you my purpose of coming here."

She had. Sophie was a devout believer, but her long journey to the Eastern Church specifically, opposed to helping in her hometown, to be away from home. Sophie loves her father terribly and is somewhat of a daddy's girl, but her mother past and he got remarried less than two years later. Kuanysh remembers her own conflicting emotions of being told the first time. People like to say 'think of the kids' or 'what about your father' but she always thought those words expressed who the speaker cared more about. Both were entitled to their emotions. Both the child who continues to grieve and has emotional turmoil of someone being replaced and the parent who is lonely and attempting to support a child themselves. The new dynamic discomforted Sophie so she left and helping the Church could never be deemed as a bad thing, so her father allowed her.

"Daddy has a suitor he wishes me to meet. I think he's a noble. While my family may not have a crest of our own, or even have the status of nobility, we do possess a fair bit of wealth from family businesses."

Ah. Sophie enjoyed reading of the fictional variety. Romance stories intrigued her the most. You never knew who you could meet with an arrange marriage, yet Sophie said suitor not fiancé…probably. Marriage terminology wasn't Kuanysh's specialty as it is usually only used in the context of other's commentary and conversations. Nonetheless there was a good chance that this meeting wouldn't necessarily define Sophie's future.

"Do you have someone else in mind?"

Sophie's lips twisted downward. "No."

"And there's no guarantee that you will end up marrying him?"

"Not exactly, but…but I…" Her voice goes quieter and quieter. "I don't want to disappoint him."

Kuanysh reaches and takes one of Sophie's hands between her own. "I don't know your father. You would know much better than I, but you speak of him kindly and comment on how he lets you act on your own. He likely just wants to know you will be supported and happy. Even if that were not the case you are you. Before your father, you must live with yourself. I'm sure you will make the right choice for yourself."

Sophie steps towards Kunie and wraps her free arm around the girl. Kuanysh could feel the tears but didn't comment on them. "I don't want things to change." Sophie gripped the back of Kunie's dress. "I don't want to leave here, but I also really miss daddy. I don't want to see the woman he married. What if the same happens to me? I don't want to be replaced. I want to matter. I want to be cared for." Sophie's voice chokes mid-sentence as her tears continue to flow in greater intensity.

Kuanysh cautiously releases her hand and pulls her in closer. "It sounds to me that you do want change but fear the future." Kuanysh's chest tightens as she recalls holding a woman and talking in attempt to keep someone conscious as she waited for an ambulance. How much had she wanted to keep things the same? How desperately had she tried to keep everything together? She remembers sitting on the edge of the bed next to a man holding his hand speaking to him smoothly so he would sleep. "We can remain in place if we choose, but in my experience that doesn't mean we are spared of harm. It only gives others more influence on our lives."

"I'm still unsure of what to do, but I'll…return home." Her quivering voice sounds unconvinced to Kuanysh, but if Sophie lived her life facing forward that was all Kuanysh could hope for.

"Thank you for always listening to me."

"Home we always say that we should help those younger."

"So I'm a duty?"

"Sophie is my first friend here." Finally, Sophie smiles.

The blond rubs her eyes to free her from her tears when she looks up expectantly. Her face always scrunches inwards, and her eyes widen and focus in when she awaits something. "And as your friend I will help you with your problems."

Right. That was the deal wasn't it? "It's not anything as complicated as yours. I've been searching for information I cannot find. Magic theory to be specific."

"Theory? Is Miss Helm's explanation not clear enough?"

"Instead of the deconstruction of the spells she taught I'm more looking for the function of magic as a concept."

"A concept?" Sophie appeared to be confused. Constant conflict probably contributed to the focus of magic as a tool, or perhaps there were constraints as to why magic could only be used in this way. If she was honest with herself, she would admit that she had taken several breaks and considered stopping her search. Too many dead ends have negatively impacted her motivation, but there were people she wished to see; a home she wishes to return to; a civilization much more advanced waiting for her. "I don't really understand, but if it's magical knowledge you can't find hear you may find what you want in Morfis."

"Morfis?" Kuanysh tried to recall the map. "To the…south-east?"

Sophie nods. Kuanysh could hunt for food but worries about travelling. One of the main reasons she had never left the Church was due to being penniless. "Some of daddy's network talk about them having a mysterious magic. They used to be known as the City of Illusion." Some news only travels orally, and as someone who rarely listens in on gossip this was the first time, she heard such a rumor. It sounds like a good lead, though.

Sophie took the silent response as an opportunity to speak more. "I'd like to make an offer if it's money that concerns you." Of course it was obvious. Kuanysh had entered with only what was on her person. "Could you escort me back home? It's will take several days by carriage and I'd be lonely. I'll be sure daddy pays you well." Sophie states a number that causes Kuanysh to widen her eyes and deny such payment. "Hmph." Sophie crosses her arms. "You should take what is offered to you. You aren't in a position to deny it are you." Sophie had a point.

"Alright, I accept."

"That's fantastic! Also, while you're there I should introduce you to my brother. Then you could really be my big sister." This is the first mention that Sophie views Kuanysh as an older sister. Sophie is seventeen, though, making her several years younger. A part of her takes comfort in the words as it had been so long since she was referred to as such. A sister…the thought makes her yearn for home more.

"I'm not interested in marriage."

"You shouldn't say never. You never know what the future may hold." Her words were already being used against her. It wouldn't be bad to meet her family, so she would agree, but Kuanysh did not believe for a moment that it would lead to something. It would only be out of politeness and Sophie's eagerness.

* * *

_**Imperial Year 1173**_

* * *

The new year had begun, Saint Seiros day had passed, and Sophie had been returned home. Kuanysh remains unaware of the future that awaits Sophie, but her family appeared loving and Kuanysh had never seen Sophie happier than when she witnesses the girl hug her father upon her return. She had been offered to stay at their home as a guest before she left for Morfis, but felt as if she was intruding on a family reunion so left towards an inn.

It was early evening and the bar and restaurant on the lower floor was bustling with people. It was when a group caught her eye. Two people in particular. A large man with blond hair and a stern face and a younger blue hair child next to him. She has been so stupid. So very very stupid. Of course the Leicester Alliance sounded familiar. And Fódlan. And Almyra. Faith and Reason Magic. She knew she was not back in time but another world. She knew names and places were familiar, so a part of her had suspected being in a fictional work. She was bad with names however, so it was only now after nearly three years of being stuck in this world that she could conclude exactly where she was with a visual in front of her.

Jeralt the Blade Breaker.

Byleth – determined by the pigmentation of hair and subdued expression.

The world spins and once more Kuanysh doesn't know what to do.


	2. Onward

**Chapter 2: Onward**

* * *

_**Imperial Year 1173**_

* * *

Well, she's already here.

Kuanysh squeezes her way through the tables and people when she spots a woman delivering several steins of ale to a table crowded with eight people. "Pardon me, I'm looking to stay the night."

"I think we have a few more rooms. Let me check with—eep!" A drunk man with flushed cheeks a wide grin, and a scar extending down his forearm crossed the floor to invade her personal space. Kuanysh scowls as she watches the man drag his hand up the woman's back to her shoulder where he then pulls her in towards his own body.

Kuanysh desperately wants to punch the man in the pace despite her own mediocre strength. Her fingers twitch as they slowly curl to become fists at her sides. There were many people around she reminds herself. Causing a ruckus may lead to the waitress losing her job. Her chest tightens and she can feel the prickling of her eyes. Frustration—Kuanysh's most expressive and emotive version of sadness. Helplessness. Injustice. Vulnerability. Exploitation.

People like to say if you don't tackle the problems the see then they are just as much of the problem. Kuanysh agrees to a degree but there were too many problems in the world. Impossible for any one person to confront all of them. She recalls her father's political words: 'don't get caught up', 'wait it out', 'it's better to stay quiet and continue along'. She remembers her grandmother's words: 'You're a good, quiet girl. Men will like that. While you're here let me introduce some to you.'

But why?

Was being passive supposed to save her from frustration? Pain? Judgement? None of it ever stopped her from experiencing those anyway. So why was she being silent?

"Why don't ya come with me to my room? I'll show ya a good time." The man lowers his head to rest it on the waitress' shoulder. His eyes blinked over to Kuanysh. "Did ya say something? Jealous? You ain't my type but I'm willing to let you join in too."

He reaches out to touch Kuanysh when his hand momentarily envelops with flames causing him to cry out in pain. More people finally took notice to their plight.

"Dammit. Not again Geoffrey." Kuanysh searches through the room for the person who spoke before her eyes land on the person she had been hoping to ignore. Jeralt.

Geoffrey's cries of pain continue as he flaps around his hand, bumbling about, and even stealing the ale of others to dump on his wound which would now effectively slow down the healing process through his own decisions. He missteps and Kuanysh unleashes a small burst of wind magic that sends Geoffrey flying into Jeralt who surprisingly, or unsurprisingly, catches the man.

There was a mix of reactions. Some went silent wondering if a fight would breakout, others burst into cheers and laughter. A few held tightly onto their drinks though it remains unknown to her whether it is from precautionary action of Geoffrey stealing theirs or if her wind attack had been stronger than intended and holding their drink was a measure that it wouldn't fly away.

Kuanysh and Jeralt stare at each other amongst the chaos. Even if Jeralt is presumably leader of their troop it is not his fault for individual actions of those beneath him. Kuanysh's gaze becomes blank as she stares beyond him. She stares because what he represents. The proof of where she is. Her head tilts to the kid—the teen who looks to be the age of just hitting puberty—meaning there was substantial time before war crosses the continent. Plenty of time for her to get home to avoid it all together. Fódlan currently has other conflicts, but nothing as large-scale as what is to come. It would be difficult enough to defend herself for an indefinite amount of time with magic and a bow. Maybe she should invest in a smaller-range weapon. Yet even then…she has never killed a person. She has killed domesticated animals in her world and had been able to kill a few birds and rabbits when first appearing to this world. She had fought against someone in the woods, but with only a bow at the time she had to be saved my members of the Eastern Church.

Kuanysh stare backs at Jeralt who continues to stare back at her.

She wears the white uniform of the Church and stares at him. There was something odd about the neutral stare, but far different from Byleth's own gaze. Jeralt stares waiting to see if anything would come of it. The lass appears young, and her hair isn't green which gives him some sense of security, but he is still cautiously on guard. The tilt of her head towards Byleth sent his protective instincts flying and gave a justification to his alertness. Her gaze returns to his own which he much prefers over Byleth. The waitress tapped the girl's shoulder and speaks of something he can't hear over everyone else's chatter. The two go upstairs but not before the girl looks back his way one last time.

Jeralt needed another drink—or ten. But first…

Geoffrey was pleading his case to the group who is happy to mock his luck with women. He looks over to Byleth. "Yer at that age. Anyone ya want to take to bed, kid?" He slaps his good hand against his chest twice. "Big Bro Geoffrey can tell ya all 'bout how ta please a—"

Jeralt slaps Geoffrey's back. His body falls forward into the table jiggling their drinks. Byleth can make decisions but doesn't need this man's influence. "You're a lightweight."

"At least he didn't start a brawl this time. We still owe damage reparations from the last time."

"Still doesn't compare to Jeralt's tabs."

"At least he's the reason we keep getting jobs."

Byleth ignores the others to stare at the abandoned half-eaten fish plate Sigvard hasn't finished eating.

* * *

Kuanysh readjusts her position but gives up on being able to sleep. She lights the candle and sits at the desk. Pulling out paper and ink, she hesitates before writing. What to write? What did she used to write before coming here? That was a good enough topic as any.

She writes for hours. Her eyes dry and irritable but still cannot sleep. When the morning light begins to filter through the window, she puts down the quill. People will be starting their day soon, and she needs to find someone with a boat that would be willing to take her to Morfis.

Kuanysh changes back into her daywear and puts her necklace on concealing it beneath her clothing. Grabbing her bag and bow she descends the stairs.

The main floor is quiet. A stark contrast to the night before. The only one there is Byleth sitting at a table alone. A part of Kuanysh wonders if she could walk up and ask if Sothis, the goddess the church ingrained into her, has any magically powers that would be able to send her back, but they probably haven't spoken yet. Not to mention she would feel pretty bad using a kid to get something out of them.

Then again, here is a kid sitting all alone constantly on the move. She had moved many times herself. Distance didn't let most relationships foster even with technology. It hadn't been bad. Things just were. It is only far in hindsight the realization of the limits of that lifestyle come to mind. Before that: it is normalcy.

She takes a seat across from Byleth. Her search for a sea captain can wait a few minutes longer. "You are up early." Byleth stares back with that infamous stare. If everything didn't seem so real she may have considered Byleth a doll. It…was somewhat unnerving. She would admit no matter how much she wishes to deny it. The vividness of any expression, positive or negative, isn't present. "I'm Kuanysh, but others call me Kunie."

She waits patiently not wanting to rush the kid.

"I'm Byleth"

"You're part of that mercenary group, right?"

Kuanysh cannot see it but Byleth pauses. People usually assume that Byleth follows the group as a tag-along. Some even assume Byleth is to be protected, but that was less common as their wardrobe mirrored the similar lack of status of the mercenaries without any sign of wealth. Byleth nods.

"You must be strong." Kuanysh wonders if Byleth had gained a title yet. It hadn't been particularly pleasant sounding, had it? She reaches into her bag for a few coins and slides them across the table.

Byleth blinks. Did she want to hire a mercenary?

"Buy something for yourself. Whatever you want. It must be hard living on the road. Some fun might do you well. It can be tough to be alone."

Byleth wonders if this was some form of pity. "I'm not alone. Everybody is there."

"I—That's—What I mean—" Kuanysh takes a deep breath and exhales slowly. That sounded condescending didn't it. She should have just left without chatting. "Accept my apology. What I mean to say is it must be hard to travel without friends."

"They are my friends."

"Pardon me once more then. It's just that they seem more like allies than friends."

"Is there a difference?"

Kuanysh is speechless. Friends could be allies but not all allies were friends. That was like saying co-workers or classmates are friends. Perhaps friendship is among them, but they are gathering for reasoning decidedly not friendship. "Quite." It is the only word she can bring herself to say as she is flabbergasted.

"Is that so?"

If you see do difference, then there is no need to think of it is what Kuanysh wants to say but cannot bring herself to do so. She wonders whether Byleth ever truly experienced a strong relationship. She recalls a scene of Byleth crying over Jeralt. It isn't fair to label Byleth as unemotional but is stunted in some ways.

Kuanysh stands. "We probably won't meet again, but may the best come to you." Byleth's future is still uncertain in many ways. At that moment Kuanysh wanted happiness to find the kid.

* * *

"Something on your mind, kid?" Jeralt looks down at Byleth.

"The difference between a friend and ally."

"And?"

Byleth's lips twitch downward in the smallest motion.

"Still don't know."

This…was new. "What brought you to think about it then?" Jeralt glances back to check everyone was keeping up before glancing back down.

"Told they were different."

Even stranger. Byleth doesn't talk to most people. When did the chance even come up?

"People say all sorts of things, kid."

"Is it true?"

Jeralt scratches the side of his head. "Well yeah."

"I see."

* * *

"Michalis? Where have you been?" The waitress looks to her brother expectantly. He vanished in the morning leaving her to do his share of the cleaning, and it had been particularly busy the past few days.

"Someone left this here a few days ago. I found it while cleaning." He holds out a pile of papers.

She frowns. Whoever it belongs to was probably long gone. "That's noble of you but you can't ditch me for this. If they left it behind it probably isn't important anyway."

"You don't understand sis! Everyone needs read this. I've been reading it to crowds all day. It mentions everything that we—"

She takes his arm and drags him to the kitchen. "We don't have enough hands as is. Fool around later."

"Gah!" Michalis hugs the papers close to him that his sister will take it in a fit of anger.

"There you are Michalis." His dad said as he stops chopping vegetables. He escapes his sister's grasp and runs to his dad.

"Dad. Dad! You hafta read this. You just gotta."

"What's this?"

_A Treatise on Government_

* * *

Kuanysh leans over the edge of the ship to throw up. There is a cool breeze from the ocean yet the sun fells ten times stronger. Her vision blurs.

The sailor's apprentice approaches her with a bottle. He has given her several drinks throughout the days as her sea sickness persists. The tides are even calm that day, yet she is reduced to such a state.

"Thank you."

"Yer holding on well. I'm surprised. Most people would have asked to return."

Yes, because this is probably stupid. Kuanysh is essentially gambling whether she can get to Morfis before her body dehydrates. Thankfully the excess of preparedness on the sailor's end is really saving her.

"I apologize. I like land more."

"You won't have to struggle much longer. We'll be arriving tomorrow."

That's good.

* * *

If Kuanysh thought, her suffering would end in Morfis she was wrong. It is terribly hot. There were warnings of the country being warm with a lot of desert, but this was another level. She has been in heat waves. She has been in deserts. This was like being in the desert in the middle of summer at mid-day. Except constantly. It is so hot that her vision blurs and sometimes wonder whether she is hallucinating.

Instead of the city of illusions it should be called the city of hallucinations. Everyone memory is probably distorted from the heat.

She purchases a few fabrics from the port city to further dress herself. Some may think this would make the weather more unbearable, but it helps. In part because of the fabric, but it also prevents the heat of the sun rays directly hitting her. This also protects her from the sun burning her.

She should rest here for a few days to recoup her energy before pursuing anything else.


End file.
